My Faith Journey.

I was not raised in the church but was always taught to believe in God. We occasionally said grace before big meals and prayers before bedtime, but that was about the extent of my religious experience as a child. I never saw anyone reading a Bible, or even owning a Bible or other religious books. We did not go to church except for a rare occasion near a holiday, or if my mom needed help with the bills. I do remember the church helping out my mom and I a lot when I was a kid with utility bills, rent, firewood, food and clothing, and even toys for me at Christmas time.

I think for this reason, I grew up with the impression that religious people were very kind in how they helped us out, and was drawn to the generosity of the church. But at the same time, I felt like an outsider, like a charity case, and never like I had the opportunity to truly be a part of their church. The kids at the churches where I grew up all had fathers and mothers and nice homes. There were no kids like me at church living without a father, and my mother was wild and crazy. As a result, church remained in my mind like any other social service in town, and was seen as a way to get help when you needed it, but nothing more.

As I got older, I would maintain this position until I eventually developed a coldness towards religion that would harden my heart towards God. This all changed when I heard the gospel for the first time in 1992 when I was 13 years old. I was incarcerated in my first of three juvenile institutions when I first became a Christian. An evangelical group called “Set Free” came to the youth camp I was incarcerated in and played a concert for us. They took songs from the rap culture and changed the words to be Biblical references. The music was cheesy but anything was better than sitting in the dorm, so I stayed through the performance.

Afterwards a heavy set guy went onto the makeshift platform and delivered a traditional doom and gloom hellfire and brim-stone gospel presentation and I accepted. This was the first time I had ever heard any of this stuff in my life and I was terrified! The preacher explained what sin was, and then looked around the room at all of us juvenile delinquents and asked, “So is anyone here guilty of sin?” Every hand in the room shot up immediately, as we were all convicted criminals. Then he explained how we had to be punished for our sins, and the punishment was eternal death! But anyone who accepted Jesus as their Savior today would be “Set Free” and also given a new Bible.

I got in line with every other kid and we all said a prayer and received our new Bibles, and I was told I was a Christian now. The person I prayed with to receive Jesus told me I should be expecting some changes inside over the next few days. I went back to my dorm and began reading the Bible for the first time. I never felt any of the changes inside that I was told to expect and I was worried it didn’t work. I kept reading the Bible every night although I did not understand anything I was reading. I prayed every night before lights out that I would feel the change inside, and that I would survive the camp I was in.

I finished reading the Bible finally after a few months, and was terrified since I read cover to cover and finished in Revelation. I was left with a very distorted understanding of who God is and what sin is. I developed the impression that God the Father was very strict, mean, and angry, but Jesus was more loving and forgiving and understanding to youth. However confused I was, I continued to read the Bible until I was released and declared in my heart from that day forward that I was a Christian.

Unfortunately it would be many years before the change in my mind and in my heart would change my behavior. After I was released from youth camp, I returned to the old life I had because it was the only life I knew. By the time I was 15 my parole was revoked and I was sent to a second youth institution. I would renew my commitment here and even get baptized into the local Baptist church that came to teach us the Scriptures every Sunday. This time I felt that change inside that I was praying for and I was sure that I was born again.

I read through the Bible a second time, this time with help from the old ladies on Sundays, and began to understand theology a little better. I truly believed I would be able to stay out of trouble when I was released and that my life was going to change since I was a Christian now. But I was only out of there a few hours sadly and I fell back into partying with old friends who were drug dealers and gang members. Within a few days, I was back on track to have my parole revoked and go back to youth prison.

This was a heavy blow to my spirit as I was really confused at how it happened? It was like I wanted to become a Christian and have this huge change everyone talked about but it just never seemed to work for me. I became pretty frustrated with the whole Christian and church thing at that point, and kind of blamed God for being locked up a third time. So I didn’t go to church when I was incarcerated the third time but I read my Bible all the time throughout the day, and prayed constantly. I was able to do well in the program and as a result I was released early after my 18th birthday.

As a young adult, I continued to believe in God and read my Bible off and on, but got very busy with school, college, and living a life out of prison. Eventually in my 20s I would start to attend church on holidays and special occasions as a guest of my girlfriend at the time (my wife today). Finally we found a college group we could relate to and started attending a huge night service in San Diego filled with unchurched kids! There was loud rock music and low lights and it was just what I needed to feel comfortable and hear the Bible preached for the first time outside of jail or prison.

From there we started going to a very casual church near the beach where everyone wore Hawaiian shirts, with shorts and sandals. The pastor was the father of a band I listened to called Switchfoot, and I quickly fell in love with the Calvary Chapel church as it felt like a place I could eventually fit in. As life began to settle down, I asked my wife to marry me and we were united in 2004. We had our first son in 2005 and decided to move to Oregon to start our family.

After moving to Oregon, we joined the local Calvary Chapel and after a few years and a couple more kids, I joined the leadership team and became the youth pastor in 2008. I would get the opportunity to teach about 10–20 middle school kids every Sunday morning and Wednesday evening for about an hour. I would teach through the Bible, verse by verse, as that was the Calvary tradition I was being taught. We would follow up with a game or gym activity to have some fun and build lasting friendships. These kids were amazing, and although I barely knew what I was doing, the Lord used this time to do some very powerful things in my life and the lives of the kids we taught.

In 2010, after I was asked to preach at a men’s retreat and a few of our Sunday services, I was asked to be an elder of the church. Many at the church were saying I had the Gift of Preaching, and I was starting to think the same thing might be possible. There was no denying the experience I had while preaching was very spiritual and often very powerful, and I was eager to pursue this possibility. As an elder, I was allowed to preach in the big Sunday service more often which was about 150–200 at this time, and I loved it.

Learning how to teach the Bible was exciting for me, so I decided to go to Bible college to see if I might be called into ministry, as some suggested. I knew I loved God and what he did for me and I really enjoyed preaching the Bible, but I was not sure what I was being “called” to do? Or to put it another way, who was I being called to serve? Most of the people I was currently preaching to were already Christian and many had been a Christian much longer than me?

In order to try to figure that out, I went to Multnomah University in Portland, Oregon to earn a Bachelor’s Degree in Christian Leadership, but soon switched to a track focused specifically on the Bible and Christian theology, graduating in 2011. I was drawn to the disciplines in theology that provided a more scientific approach to studying the Bible rather than what I was getting in the pastoral leadership track, which I felt lacked precision. This should have been my first indication that a conflict was coming. As I began to understand the Bible, I struggled deeply with the practices of my church.

I found the teaching to be out of sync with Scripture and only focused on raising money for the new building project. I eventually came to believe I was an elder in a tradition of Christianity that had no regard for the Spiritual disciplines I was being exposed to in Bible college. I was being restored and sanctified by the rich practices of early church fathers, but there was no place for this historical theological approach in this tradition. I could not understand why all of our resources went to internal church expenses when we were in the poorest neighborhood in Eugene and doing nothing to help? Soon, it became clear that I was growing in a different direction, and my theology became incompatible with that of the senior pastor. So in July of 2013 I made a decision to step down from my position of elder and youth pastor, and tearfully preached my last sermon the following Sunday.

Initially, my family and I assumed we just needed to find a new church. Maybe it was just the Calvary Chapel’s non-seminary approach that was out of sync? I had recently started my Master’s program at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon, so I was eager to try some of the other Christian denominations I had been learning about. One thing about being in leadership that was hardest for me was not being able to visit other churches since I was usually preaching at the same time. This was our first chance to go out and try all the churches in town and that is exactly what we did!

First we started attending all the big churches in town. Somewhere our other friends who left the Calvary Chapel had already found new homes. We identified a handful of the well known churches in the area and went to each for about a month to get a good feel. Each had their strengths and weaknesses, preaching, worship, etc.. but nothing felt open and welcoming to non Christians like I hoped for. We were finally able to settle into a small church downtown that had a good reputation with the local homeless community. I became friends with the pastor, meeting for lunch discussing family, life, and theology. I knew immediately he was a great guy with a sincere heart. This was a good spot for us to rest after the difficult experience of stepping down from leadership. We stayed here, and just spent time praying and considering what the next season would be for us.

During this whole time, I was leading a home fellowship that met on Friday nights, affectionately called FNF (Friday Night Fellowship). We started this back in 2008, when I first began preaching, and it ran strong to the end of 2014. We would get together in our homes in the winter, and at local parks on summer nights. We began with a nice big potluck, and then we would sing songs before I preached through the Bible. This was where I really had the opportunity to learn how to be a pastor to people and help them grow spiritually. We grew into a real family together and had some experiences I will cherish forever.

The FNF ministry grew rapidly, especially when our old church folded, which was shortly after we left in July 2013. I think many of us thought we were going to grow into the next church, but were unsure how to do it without making the same mistakes. I was very tempted to take my shot at senior pastor, and I thought for a while it was exactly what I wanted. But after some soul searching, and through prayer and fasting, and ultimately the healthy advice from two trusted old pastors, I knew it was not my time. I decided to finish seminary and wait for the Lord to reveal his will before I made any sudden decisions.

As it turned out, my ministry would be expanded in the home, and my wife and I committed to care for her parents in their last days. In 2014, we sold our home and moved into one home together in Eugene. It became clear that for the next season of life, I was to focus on being the priest of my own home. With nine of us under one roof, in addition to doctors, nurses, and hospice staff, my work as priest of the home is very important. We study the Bible regularly as a family, with an evening devotional every day after dinner. We pray together often, not just at dinner and bedtime. We practice other spiritual disciplines together like communion and seek to help each other grow in the Lord. So while we are very connected to many churches in town, our home church is essential. Outside the home, we serve our community with music and love and volunteer whenever possible at schools and in sports or wherever the opportunity presents itself. We successfully build lasting friendships with our neighbors and community members from a variety of faith groups. Ultimately we desire to treat everyone with the same respect and care for all people equally.

In 2015, I graduated from Western Seminary, and was able to start praying about what ministry would look like for me moving forward. I knew I was called to serve all people of all religions and all races with the love that God has shown me all through my life. For the last four years since seminary, I have been reading about other religions and faith groups and creation stories. I love to hear how other people believe and how their faith is expressed. I have been learning about other cultures' faith traditions and how to be respectful to them. I have been able to build friendships with people from other religions, and with those who have no religion at all. I have seen God work in countless unique ways with many different kinds of people and it is always a beautiful thing.

I have gone through so much in life, good and bad, but God has always revealed his love and his care for me. God used many individuals to express this to me by the love they showed me in my pain. It was when I was at my lowest when I felt the love of God the most. The way a person walks right into my suffering and sits next to me and listens to my story, tells me that God is there and he cares.

(I wrote this in June of 2018 from a far different place than I am today, and honestly I am amazed how much I have grown emotionally and spiritually! I am grateful for this document and for writing as a spiritual practice, as it chronicles my own growth and development and inspires me to continue on the path of progress. Today, as we approach 2023 in a couple weeks, I do so with a heart full of gratitude for how God has expanded my awareness of all that is Sacred and Holy! God is more present and accessible today than ever before in my life.🙏)

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