Gone but not forgotten. How to move forward when someone you love dies.
If you have lost someone you love and are having a hard time or feel stuck, please read this article. I can't promise you a quick fix because there isn't one. Your loved one is gone and nothing can bring them back. But there are some tools I have learned that can help you move forward and provide some relief to your pain.
I am an Interfaith hospital/hospice chaplain, I have attended over 1000 deaths (2019-2022) and provided spiritual and emotional support to large numbers of patients and families. If you lost someone close to you, trust me when I say I know what you are going through.
I have also lost several people in my own life. The hardest was in 2015 when my best friend died on his motorcycle at only 36 years old. An elderly driver pulled out in front of him while he was on his way home from work to his wife and kids. I know how it feels to lose people you love way too soon.
It feels strange to say, but I might have more experience with death than most people you will ever meet. I see people online crying out for help, who are experiencing tragic loss and going through the death of a loved one alone with no tools.
Here are some steps to take, and tools to use that will offer some relief and eventual healing to your pain.
Feel what you need to feel.
The first step is to let go of any ideas or expectations you have about what emotions and thoughts you think you should have and give yourself permission to just feel whatever you need to feel. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
You will hear people telling you how you should or should not feel, and it is important to disregard their chatter.
Religious platitudes fall especially flat for me when something completely fucked up and unexpected happens, but that is often what I hear most from, quote, “supportive people.”
Grief is different for every person, so let go of expectations and allow your emotions to be whatever they need to be.
This might mean asking for help with responsibilities like kids, work, etc so you have some time to process. Most of us are so skilled at shutting down emotions, that it takes effort to wake them up. But until you deal with your grief, you will not heal and the pain will only get worse.
You are not alone.
Grief wants you to be alone but it is essential to instead be with others who can support you emotionally. Do you have any trusted friends and family? Particularly any that are good listeners and not overly chatty?
Consider having a trusted but quiet friend or family member stay with you for the first few days or go to their home. Not to talk. Just someone to listen, make you a sandwich, and even help by handling phone calls and returning messages on your behalf.
If you don't have people available to help you through this you are in the majority. A lot of people are used to getting by with one or two friends, and when one dies, they are alone.
But no one needs to go through death alone because there are people out there who specialize in grief support. You are not alone.
I know this is hard to believe, but many people are going through something similar to you at this very moment.
You can Google local/online bereavement groups to attend, often at no charge, provided by your local hospice agency. Or just reach out directly to your local hospital and hospice chaplain, or bereavement coordinator, to point you towards some resources and support to help you through this.
These are trained professionals, often ready and willing to help any person in need free of charge. Just pick up the phone and give them a call. You have nothing to lose and much to gain.
I recommend putting together a “support team” with a mix of people you know and trust so you always have a person to call and talk to or a friend to just go hiking with when you need it. Deep grief can wear out one support person (even if they don't admit it) so it is vitally important to have a support team to share the load.
Sometimes a professional is needed regardless because even the best intended loved one in your life, may not have good supportive listening skills and might make things worse.
Saying a final goodbye.
If you are ever in this position, God forbid, to see a person before they die, or shortly after death, I recommend doing so. Saying a final goodbye, and even seeing the body after death will move you forward in your grief process because your mind knows without question that this is real.
Ideally, find a person to drive you to and from the hospital or wherever you are going to say goodbye. Dress comfortably, and bring a pillow. Pack a backpack with a phone charger, headphones, journal, books, money for food, snacks, and lots of water.
You do not need to say or do anything. Just show up and follow your heart.
If there are any final words you need to share or confessions to make, do it now even if the person you love is asleep. Their spirit hears you and your spirit can communicate to them with an energy far greater than words, called love.
If you were not given the chance to say goodbye, you can do this on your own at any time. No, it will not be the same but it can be of great importance nonetheless, and help you towards healthy closure. (Talk with a chaplain if you need help with this, or reach out to me in DMs.)
Attend the service.
If there is a funeral or celebration of life or any kind of memorial service, do everything you can to attend. Even attend via Zoom or Facetime if that is the best option you have, but this final gathering for your loved one is very important to attend.
This is a way to spread out the pain that is too much for one to hold, and to share in this grief can be a huge relief.
To hear amazing stories about your loved one from others who knew them truly touches your heart and is a very special experience that only happens once at the end of your life.
Do what you can to share a story of your own and express how much you miss them. This is a gift not only to yourself but to all the others who also loved this person.
Yes there will be tears and it will be emotional but it is worth it and will significantly impact your grief process.
If you were unable to attend the service for any reason, you can have a small service of your own for this person. Invite a few common friends, and devote an evening of food and celebration to their honor.
Express your emotions.
Our most painful emotions are often a challenge to extract but I have found a few tools that work wonders:
Walk it out. Hold the memory of the person who died in your mind and begin to walk, or jog if you are able, but walking is fine. As your body moves, and you allow your mind to remember your loved one, it is possible you will get flooded with emotions. If so, find a place where you are alone for this and let yourself cry loudly if it feels right to do so, but don't force it.
The first attempt at this, you may only make it a few minutes before the emotions are too much, and that is okay, just think of it as an exercise, and repeat it a few times a week until you can do this for 20-30 minutes. In time, you will notice the sadness dissolve and you are looking forward to this.
Write it out. Emotions get stuck especially when we have things we wanted to say and we struggle to find closure. Give yourself permission to write a letter to the one who died to say whatever you need to say. Do you feel weird about anything? Write it down. Are you angry? Maybe they were driving drunk and you are fucking pist because they are gone! Write this down. Whatever it is, just say it and then let it go.
Talk it out. As your body begins to loosen up and you can start to put words to your pain, it is healing to talk about your experience. As I mentioned above, find a skilled listener who is compassionate and able to spend time with you. Consider a bereavement group, a grief counselor, or a chaplain to meet with 1 on 1 for a few sessions. This was my work and I highly recommend this as a healing process for deep grief.
Light a candle.
One way you can acknowledge when your heart hurts and you painfully miss the person who died is to buy a candle devoted to this person and light it when you are missing them and your heart feels heavy.
At first, you will light this candle every day because the pain will be so great. You can include others in your home so you can support each other, even in silence, by the awareness that you are having a hard time.
I like to sit with the candle, and gently meditate on the flame while thinking of the person who died. Sometimes I feel like I can notice their presence at this moment. It’s almost like when I calm myself and my energy, I can feel their energy. (Maybe this is the energy within the memories themselves, or maybe something else.)
Celebrate their birthday.
When you lose someone you love, I recommend always celebrating their birthday as a day devoted to their memory. Make their favorite foods, play their music, and tell your favorite stories about them.
Get out all your pictures, watch old videos or audio recordings if you have them, and light up your memories! Doing this keeps their memory alive!
Devote a space.
Choose a nice space in your home or office and put up a picture of the one who died and some physical objects associated with them or that belonged to them.
I have the football my best friend and I used to throw after work, and when I hold that ball, I can remember him so clearly. These objects that connected us in life seem to hold the connection even after death.
I have coins my grandfather collected. They smell of the same cigarette smoke that he did and when I look through them with my kids, it feels like he is there with us. I will never wash these coins because there is so much history there and my senses are triggered by the odor, and my memories are activated.
So when I am overwhelmed with pain and miss my papa (the only father I ever had) I get out the coins and talk about him with my boys. Sometimes when everything is just right, it almost feels like he is there with us.
Create something beautiful.
Hold the memory of the person in your mind, and set out to create something beautiful. This can be drawing, painting, pottery, sculpting, even music or dancing, or any kind of artistic expression your heart feels led to explore. This is not only stuff you are good at. So take the opportunity to try something and just create something with your loved one on your mind.
A physical piece of art is very cool, or even a printed document or recording.. any way to capture the moment because you will have something to look back on and remember the experience. But the healing here ultimately occurs in the experience itself, as your emotions are able to flow with the art safely.
For me, this has revealed emotions I had buried and the process of creating the art worked like a tractor to dig out the emotions and allowed me to process and heal. I love to create art from reclaimed wood as it tells the whole story, with unique cuts and markings, all together creating something very beautiful.
Final thoughts.
When someone you love very much dies you will never be the same. But only you can determine the way you will change. Death can make one person bitter and angry, and cause another person to be filled with compassion for others facing similar hardship.
I believe taking these easy but intentional steps to process our grief in healthy ways can ensure we are filled with compassion and we do not end up forever bitter and angry.
I will close with one more resource to help you move forward if you still feel stuck. I highly recommend this book called: “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok.” by Megan DeVine, as my favorite book on grief. Listen on Audible while you walk for the best results.
Please help me get this article to the people who need it by sharing it on your page. Even if you are not experiencing grief at the moment, someone on your timeline might be going through a devastating death and they need to read this.
Thank you for your love and support💚
Chris Joy @chri5j0y
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