A FAMILY RESTORED: PART II

This is a continuation from the last article: A Family Restored Part I, so if you missed that one I suggest you read it first then come back and read this. In that article, I talked about learning together, playing together, eating together, even relaxing together. Now I want to shift gears and consider my second principle: a restored family has respect for each other.

Before we can start with the solution, however, we need to identify the problem. Why is there a lack of respect in our culture? Why are women and children treated with such aggression? And our elderly are cast out from places of responsibility? I have some observations to offer that may shed some new light on old problems.

To begin, have you ever wondered what is up with the dividing up of the families any time there is a big gathering? Church potlucks, community BBQs, and even at weddings and family reunions, we all get split up into little groups. If you watch carefully, you will almost notice there is a natural segregation of men, women, and children. Why? As the crowds get larger, more small clicks develop and start to get more specific. Sports fans will huddle around the big game of the day. Foodies will graze the snack table. Why? I do not believe it is for our best to divide in most circumstances, or even for our good. On the other hand, I have found that almost every event or activity is more fun when you include women and children. Diversity in all ways is typically a good thing in my view.

I have become convinced that the main reason we see this great divide in our social circles is because of selfishness. When we live selfishly we are only interested in spending time with people like us because it's easier. We all agree on everything, we have the same worldview. There is no need to see another perspective or hear another point of view when we surround ourselves with people just like us. This needs to stop. This echo chamber mentality never allows for growth and in turn, only leads to death.

To hang out in a diverse group setting of different interests and needs doesn’t come naturally. This is going to require each of us to have respect for each other. There has to be give-and-take and authentic consideration for each other's fears and desires. We need to remember what the world was like through the eyes of a child and learn how to communicate our experiences to them at their level. We must provide women opportunities to share their ideas, not just comment on the men’s grand ideas. Treating each other with respect is somewhat foreign in our culture, and may be the hardest part of this transition.

This really is a problem that seems to plague all of our society today. I believe it can be a result of the hierarchical mindset that is woven through the fabric of American history. We see it in our government. We see it in our churches. And we see it in our banks and businesses! As long as our culture collectively continues to raise up evil men to run these institutions, the problem will continue to get worse. Therefore it should come as no surprise that it has made its way into our homes and even our BBQs. There is still the question left as to why. What is broken and what needs to be repaired?

Here’s my perspective: I see a correlation between respect and value that is primarily based on production and consumption. Our economy clearly defines the value of a person based on how much they can either produce or consume. In our consumerist society, this is what really matters. “How much can that person contribute to the economy?” If you can invest large sums of money, regardless of the source, you are valuable to the economy. In turn, you are valuable to society, and you can be sure to receive an equal amount of respect for your contribution.

Our churches are also consumer-driven, so the value assessment doesn’t change there either. Unless you are on the 1–3% leadership team, you are going to be valued according to what you can give to the church. I do not think it should be this way, I only regret to report that these have been my personal experiences. The highest respect in the church is given to the biggest donor, second only to the senior pastor. As long as you give generously to the church, you can live in complete immorality without restraint.

Positions of leadership are given to corrupt businessmen in exchange for reputation. “Nothing says honest business like donating to your church right? Please make sure my logo is legible.” I am sorry to be so blunt, I understand it is hard to hear, but can you deny that this is the truth? Just take a browse at your local church website leadership page and see if I’m exaggerating.

So at the end of the day, most people only really respect a person’s money. As shallow as that is, money equals respect in America. This is the real reason I believe the elderly, women, and children don’t get equal respect, because they don’t contribute an equal share to the man’s pet money machine: the economy. I don’t agree with this position, these are just my observations.

I know this may be an overgeneralization, but most commonly women only really get respect from society when they build a career and gain more money for the economy. Children only become of particular value to America after they turn 18 because now they can borrow and they can work. Before that, they were seen as a liability. Our elders are shoved into rest homes or poor houses or worse after they no longer contribute to the economy. Just look at the way our elders are disrespected today. Again, they are talked about as more of a liability than the vessels of wisdom they truly are.

So what is the solution? A new understanding of what gives a person value. I believe every human is of equal value, and while I do have honest preferences and even favorites (my family), I believe in my heart that every human has equal value. Our value is not measured by mankind you see, this is the error. If you tell me you have an extremely valuable old car for sale, the first thing I am going to ask you is “What is the make and model and year?” I won’t bother if it’s a 1986 Toyota for example. But if it’s made by Chevrolet, I’m interested!

The point is the value comes from the maker, and we all have the same Creator. If you doubt that, then you must admit we all came from the same process and the same materials, so ultimately we are all the same. We are all equal. Every single human is equal in value and deserves an equal amount of respect. I am firm on this. There are not multiple manufacturers for the human body out there the way we have multiple automobile makers, only one, no matter what or who you believe that to be. I realize the automobile metaphor falls apart quickly, as we obviously value worn-out cars less than new ones. But at least in automobiles we recognize the greatest value of all and we hang onto the classics!

When we understand that our value is not based on what we do for the economy, but is based on our nature as humans, then our society will begin to respect each other. When we value one another we respect one another. This transition also allows us to recognize each other's individual qualities like wisdom, virtue, honor, loyalty, honesty, passion, and love to list a few. As a result, we will have more respect for our elders, for women, and for children. This transformation is possible for anyone. Apply this principle of respect for all people, every single human, and your life will change forever.

Evidence that your life has changed should be expected. For my family, the greatest change is in our happiness meter. We just laugh together a lot more and we have an incredible amount of fun together! You can't fake laughing. Well, at least not convincingly.

Our family dynamic has shifted as well. I am no longer making all the decisions on my own. Now, my wife and our four boys all contribute ideas and inspirations as we plan our lives together. We try different things, go to different places, and take every person’s interests and desires into account. While we have many things in common, we are all radically different as well. Now we all have the opportunity to express our unique qualities, while simultaneously being closer than ever before. This is truly a family restored.

A final example of the change our family has experienced is in the way my kids have opened up in the last few years. Before, they were keeping to themselves more because of the pressure I put on everyone to perform and be perfect. I think they were afraid of letting me down so they learned how to keep up a front the same way I did. They were not letting their guard down around me before and now they are. Before I don’t think they trusted me the way they do now.

The same could be said of my wife, as she kind of kept quiet because she didn’t want to upset me, but rather just keep the peace. We almost lived in two different worlds for a while and didn’t really talk much. We went years without a date or a vacation. It was bad. Since so much of our daily lives were spent apart, we were slipping apart. Even when I was home, I was absent and there was just a disconnect from the entire family. This may be the biggest difference of all, my presence. I am home a lot more, and when I have plans outside the home for something other than work or business, my family joins me. I just don’t sign up for stuff that splits us up anymore, plain and simple, we plan our lives together.

The only way I can share these things today is because they are in the past. I am not living in regret today and my family is healthy. I am so grateful for the change in my life and the healing that we have experienced, I feel it is only right to share our story so other families can also be restored to happiness.

I chose the photo from the Fourth of July 2018 for this article because I believe it verifies the whole story. When you compare the last photo from Disneyland, you can see that not only have my wife and I lost over 100 pounds collectively, but look closely at my son Caleb. Before he clings closely to his mother, not giving up a smile or even looking at the camera, which was normal for family pics. Now, in contrast, he stands proud holding his first medal as our family champion for the day. Every one of us broke our own personal records set in the race the year before so we were all especially beaming, but ultimately we were all so proud of Caleb. There is such a difference between the family we used to be to the family we are today.

If you want to see your family restored: plan your life together and have respect for each other. These two basic principles have transformed our family, and I believe they can do the same for you.

Joy Family at Disneyland in 2015

Joy Family at Butte to Butte in 2018

© 2018-2023. Christopher Joy. All Rights Reserved.